I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
