sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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