I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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