i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
