last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
