I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
