I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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