Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
