When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
