i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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