Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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