didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
