So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
