I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Randomize
