Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
