Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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