I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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