Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
