haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
