YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
