The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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