There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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