You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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