Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
