I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
