We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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