$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
