I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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