Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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