Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
