ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
