youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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