so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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