The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
