I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
we're so committed to being not committed
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
