I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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