Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
