I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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