my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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