I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
