did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
