I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
