Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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