So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
