if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
