Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
