i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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