At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
