I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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