I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I wish there were birth control emojis
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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