I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
