I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
