I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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